Positive Self-Esteem: The Conclusion

Hello World! What a week. Let's keep the positivity rolling. This is part three, following along a list of journal prompts I found and will be completing during this post. If you would like to complete them yourself, the original post can be found here (https://themadmommy.com/journal-prompts-for-self-esteem/)

Let's jump right in, shall we?

21. Write about something you need to tell someone who is negatively affecting your life.

That's a tough one. Cause there is someone who's been negatively affecting my life lately, but usually we're close and it's been hurting me to be upset with them. 

I usually hold whatever I'm feeling in too long and then I explode. Or what happens more often than not is that I just eat it. I just shove my feelings down into my stomach where I hold it, hoping it will go away. Sometimes it does, little things that bother me about people live there all the time. That's how the world works. You get a little annoyed and then you move on. But then the annoyances get bigger. And bigger. 

Then they aren't really annoyances anymore, they're straight up problems that eat at my relationships, making them more fragile. There's more creeks and cracks you have to step around to avoid the broken parts. 

If you've read my blog for a while, or if you've only just read this series, it shows that I don't mind being honest. About myself anyway. But I know others don't feel that way, so yes, I've upset with someone. And I've been meaning to fix it. To start the conversation. But it's hard. And it can't really be done here. But I swear to you, my dear readers, that I will write a letter (more likely an email) full of my feelings and send it before the publication of this blog. 

22. Discuss your support system for times you are feeling down on yourself. How do they help boost your confidence?

I don't think it's really a matter of boosting my confidence. It's more who I turn to to ride out the storm. As anyone with depression (or someone who loves someone with depression) can tell you, when you feel down on yourself, sometimes you just have to get through it. It's a vulnerable situation sometimes, and you don't want to have to try and explain yourself. 

My husband, Ben, has always been a great support. We've been together five years, since February of 2015, and I started treatment in August of 2016, a month before my 21st birthday. I wasn't very open about it then, with people outside my immediate family. 

So, here's a timeline for ya. 

February 2015- First date
March 2015- We DTR (Define the Relationship, if you don't know that one )
August 2015- We moved in together
September 2015- We propose (Yes, I said we. I can tell that story another time if anyone's interested)
Thanksgiving 2015- We tell our families and start the real planning.

New relationships have always made me feel better. It's a fun time. Lots of firsts. Everything's special. But then I would feel like they don't 'get me' and I break it off. I thought that was what would happen. I would get scared and push someone else away. But it didn't. I was the happiest I'd been in my recent memory.

Then the planning. Me fighting with myself about the decision to leave my entire dad's family out of it.Which shrunk the wedding by 50ish people. But then the continued thought of having to be the hostess to the rest of my family and his, was still to much for me to bear. It brought the darkness back, something I'm not sure Ben had ever really seen. We had talked, of course. He knows me.

I felt so bad posting to my family about how I love them all, but I just couldn't. Starting psychiatric treatment is trial and error. It takes time. Sometimes years. And just when you think maybe you've got it right, the right combination of therapy and medication, your body and mind change. Especially because, as people, we are always changing. If you haven't heard the almost true myth, your body, with new cells being born to replace the ones that die, is completely new every seven years. Bones are every ten. Very little stays with you forever. (https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/06/28/483732115/how-old-is-your-body-really)

Back to the original question though. Our relationship moved fast. Ben had every opportunity to say that I am a lot. That he couldn't handle it. And he hasn't. Not then and not now.

Anna is my other support when I am down. She has seen many an anxiety attack. She was the one who made me finally realize that I should probably seek help, drunk on a kitchen floor in Michigan, crying together. She makes me do things when I'm down, makes me carry on living when I don't feel like it. Watches out for me when I need assistance.

There's this look I get apparently, when a panic attack starts. Anna knows it well, because she was there for my very first one. When we where is Spain, for World Youth Day 2011, we got lost in a crowd of over three million people. We had been together with our group of 15, waiting all day in the blazing sun to see Pope Benedict XVI. When he road by, in all his holy Popeness, the crowd shifted as people moved to see better, and everyone was lost but the two of us. Anna saw my face over a few strangers heads and we grabbed hands over strangers heads. Anna, assisted by a very attractive Australian man, got me out of the crowd to the emergency area so I could finish hyperventilating in peace. And to this day, apparently I still make that same face. She got me to calm down then and she still can now.

23. Create a playlist of mood-boosting songs and why you enjoy listening to each when you need a lift.

I got so excited for this question! Like I've said in past posts, I don't read these lists (other than the first question) before I start doing them. So I'm just as surprised as you. 

I love music. That sounds pretty generic, only weirdos don't like at least some music. I use to like music even when all I ever heard was country growing up. Which adds nostalgia to country songs (even new ones, but especially old ones) because they remind me of long car rides and such. 

I should probably limit how many I can put here, but if I remember the mood-boosting part, that'll make it easier. Ben gets on me sometimes about how a lot of my music is sad. But sad songs are beautiful.

Anyway...

1. Warrior by Demi Lovato- It's a new favorite, I just learned looking it up to share the link, that it came out six years ago. Damn. I'm behind the times on this one.  I like it cause it's about taking the hard stuff and using it to make yourself stronger.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZFjauf_hZg

2. This is Me by Kesha- It's from the movie The Greatest Showman, but I like the Kesha version better. It's very inspirational and positive about being who you are. I especially liked it when I was still working with my physically and developmentally disabled clients. Quite a few of them liked it, because of it's 'I am who I am' attitude.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLdqQQJ4tuw

3. Lost Boy by Ruth B.- I think this one is technically a sad song, but I like it. It reminds me of childhood fantasy, as well as just books taking you somewhere else when you might not want to be where you are.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5usQ44zs__4

4. Let Me Be Your Star by Smash Cast- We sang this song my senior year of high school, which I was super pumped about because I absolutely loved this show. I loved this song then, and I love it now.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=huaauJ48JUs

5. Where You Lead by Carole King- This was also a choir song that I was so excited for. It is the theme song to my absolute favorite show, Gilmore Girls. It's an older, kind of sappy, love song. But it makes me happy. Plus the show is half my random references. The show and the song are very mood lifting.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoNEJyuWhUI

     

24. How could you make your life more positive?

Probably just trying to do a better job at saying what I need to say, instead of holding it all in.

25. Do you compare yourself to others? Discuss how this could be harmful to your self-esteem.

I compare myself to people I want to be like. Are role models hurtful to your self-esteem? 

Just kidding. I compare myself to lots of people I see, kind of. Wishing I was shorter, thinner, etc. But most day's I know I'm fabulous.

 

26. What unique traits do you have that your friends envy?

Um, I don't know? Am I enviable? I'm just a person. I put my bra on one boob at a time. But of course, if anyone could find something to envy about me, it'd be Anna. 

"I envy your strength and perseverance in times of struggle. I envy that once you get over your barriers of anxiety by processing and talking yourself through a process, you can basically accomplish anything. I am envious of your ability to identify what you need to succeed, and be the best you, and you find a way to get it. I'm envious (low-key totes jelly) of your Whole30 journey and how you are continuously meeting your goals. I'm envious of your skills of loving and caring for others in many different capacities, and if someone needs help you can usually put your differences aside and help them. I'm envious of how amazing of a human you are and I strive to be like you. Love love love you."

Damn, make a bitch cry

27. Discuss one thing you can do RIGHT NOW that your future self will love you for later.

Start working on my craft room. I like crafting. I like taking my time on a project, meaning I can leave it and come back as long as I need to get it done. That use to be the coffee table at our apartment. Ben only sat there to watch TV occasionally, and he knew better than to touch it. 

But now, with the cats, I can't leave anything out that isn't washable. It'll have cat hair all over it in minutes. Plus beads, thread, needles, things like that, could really hurt them if they ate it. Plus since that room was destroyed, rebuilding it, in itself, is a great craft. Then I can make other home improve items. 

28. BRAVE: What does this word mean to you? When have you been brave in the past?

Brave means facing your fears. Duh. If something scares you, but it will improve your life, you should try.

In the past, when I was brave. That would be Independence Day, January 20th, 2012. The day I told my dad that I wouldn't go to his house anymore. You gotta stand up to your bullies. No matter how hard it is, if it'll make your life better, you have to try.

29. List 5 things you’ve done for others that made you feel good about yourself.

1. Helped Anna and her family during this terrible Corona virus

2. Working at the center right now, I know I'm getting paid for it, but it's really helpful to the parents, especially on E-learning days. I try hard to be entertaining to the kids, but also to tire them out as best I can. I also wash my hands til they are literally bleeding for those kids, and make them do the same to protect each other.

3. I've volunteered at both soup kitchens and food pantries in my life, but it's been a while and I keep meaning to find more time to volunteer. It did make me feel very good though

4. I've donated a lot to GoodWill? It makes me feel good that A.Someone else can get to use it and they can get it cheap and B.It's not currently in a landfill and it'll hopefully get more use before it is there. 

5. I try really hard to recycle and recycle properly. I have reusable grocery bags, I reuse the plastic ones I do have. Half the activities I have planned for camp involve decorating recyclables for crafts or games. I keep meaning to buy those bags you can use for produce at the store. It's our planet ya'll, we need to look after it for everyone else as well as ourselves and our families.

30. What does it mean to you to have high self-esteem?

It would mean that I'm at a good place. Mentally. Physically. Both have needed work. I use to have none self-esteem. Now I have some. So I assume high is on the way. 

Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed the series. It was my first one and I honestly have no idea if I'll do another one. Let me know in the comments if you'd like another one or any of the questions you really liked. Thanks again.

-Gretchen