Picking up where we left off last week, continuing the list of 30 Journal Prompts for Self Esteem. The original list can be found at
https://themadmommy.com/journal-prompts-for-self-esteem/.
11. Talk about your favorite role model as if you are described him/her to a friend that does not know this person. What about this person makes you look up to him/her?
My role model is my best friend of many, many years. Her name is Anna Elizabeth Joseph Pyke (but I met her back when she was a Demmon). She would tell you that there's nothing that special about her, and that she makes plenty of bad choices, and that she probably shouldn't be looked up to, but I still do.
She knows that time is more valuable than anything. She'd rather make you a present or a cake or a card, than buy one. She's so creative as well. She has made me beautiful cards that I know had to take her an hour or two to make, if not more. And when she bakes! She's not so focused on it being perfect, just doing the best she knows how. One time we figured out together how to make a 15 layer TARDIS cake for a Doctor Who themed party she was having. Was it perfect? No. It took a long time to get it to stay up, but did she quit? No. She figured it out eventually.
That's something else I look up to, it takes a lot for her to quit something. She will try absolutely every way she can dream of to get it done, no matter the task. And, if after much effort she hasn't figured it out, she has no problem turning to someone else for help, whether a teacher, the internet, a friend or her mom.
Speaking of moms, she makes a great one. Working with kids now, I realize that even more. Her sons, Leo (3 and a half) and Max (2), might be a little wild, but they know what's important. They love to see me whenever I come over. They don't want toys from me, or for me to do anything in particular for them or with them, they just want my company. Once again, teaching them that time is what matters.
Anna is also 100% herself. From her sense of humor, her deep love of rain, and her knowledge that who you are and what you want to do or be is up to you, and she would never shame anyone for their choices, as long as they weren't hurting anyone else. She accepts people. But she doesn't love easy. You earn it, but once you do, it takes a lot to lose it.
My wedding, Sept. 16th 2017 Gretchen, 22. Anna, 24.
Anna's Wedding Sept. 27th 2014 Gretchen, 19. Anna, 21.
12. Discuss your best personality trait. How do your friends describe you? What do they love about you?
I think my best personality trait is loyalty. There is very little I wouldn't do to try to help someone I care about. I always try to be there for people, when they need me.
I asked my best friends to describe me. And say what they love about me. Seems awful conceited.
Anna has been on quarantine, so she was the first to respond to my request, and she more than covered the questions asked of her.
To describe me, Anna said, "Gretchen is a kind, fierce, passionate human being. She holds more love in her heart than she has been given and that in itself is beautiful. However, Gretchen holds so many lovely qualities, it's hard to know where to begin. Gretchen has the perfect mixture of dark humor to a love of puns. She is always willing to help her friends, and she is always giving second chances to those who deserve it. Don't get me wrong, she has a fiery side, but her kindness and love far overshadows it. She is a firm believer in love and equality for all humans of every sort. She loves to read and (I think) prefers a happy, loving, ending to her stories. Talk about her fiery side, try seeing her after she reads a bad ending to an otherwise good book.
Above all, I think that Gretchen is loyal and caring and will go to any length for those she loves." This is why Anna is my role model. Later in this post I talk about how I don't always feel very good about myself. I felt amazing about myself after reading that description of myself. I tried to tell her so too, but it turns out she was already penning her next long statement about me, which is also very heartwarming. When Anna was asked what she loves about me, she said, "What do I love about Gretchen? Ha, what don't I love. Gretchen has been one of my best friends going on an upwards of 20 years (about 17 I think). In that time we have been through so much together, always supporting, uplifting, and being honest with each other. We've dealt with family separation, parental deaths, deaths of friends, breakups, marriages, loss of faiths, loss of friends and just the general difficulties of finding oneself. One constant through all of this (And more) was each other. Gretchen was the first person I told when I was engaged and the first person I told when I was pregnant (both times) all of this happened at our regular hang, Rosewood (South Haven. Don't even with that Portage Rosewood shit). No matter my situation or dilemma I can come to Gretchen in full confidence, knowing that she will not judge or criticize, only offer support and advice. Since having kids, Gretchen has been an outstanding miracle to myself and my children who she loves unconditionally. You cannot ask for more for your child than for people to love them. I am forever grateful to have a person so dedicated to our friendship like Gretchen is, I too am dedicated. We have countless inside jokes and ever growing dreams for ourselves and each other. Gretchen is a pretty amazing human, but more importantly, she's a Dope Ass Friend."
See? This is why we are best friends. I have been going down this list one by one, just like you readers probably are. So I wrote my passage before I asked her to write hers, and I haven't changed it at all since adding this bit. Because whether it comes from me or her, it's nothing but love and respect.
Junior Prom, 2013. Anna, 20. Gretchen, 17.
I am also a lucky woman that the two other people I call my closest friends are also my family.
Emily, the oldest of us, had this to say about me. "Gretchen is loyal and very punctual. She's often silly, but also dry and sarcastic. There are times, when she's in the right mood, that she's up for anything. She's a really good beach buddy."
And that I am. It is very rare occasion that I turn down a trip to the beach. I actually love it most when all four of us can go together, Me, Emily, Anna, and Shae.
Nov. 30th, 2012 Gretchen, 17. Emily, 25.
Shae was the last person I asked to describe me.
"Gretchen is persistent, stubborn, hard-headed and she doesn't take no very well for an answer. She likes things done in a very particular way, her way, wherever possible in her life, I would know, I was the one she used to get upset with because I played with Barbies "wrong". She likes everything around her to be organized to her satisfaction.
But these are a lot of the reasons why I love her. Once she's set her mind on something, she will make sure it gets done and that it's done as near to perfectly as she can manage, whether it's a party she plans for a friend or finding the perfect gift for someone impossible to buy for. She's funny, caring, loyal and sweet. She's someone anyone would be lucky to have on their team, in any facet of life. I count myself lucky that she's on mine."
I'm the lucky one.
Mar. 1st, 2010. Shae, 15. Gretchen, 14.
I'm so grateful for these three. They describe me well. And they love me well. We have shared a lot together. Laughter and tears. Hours and hours. And most importantly, scarves.
Jan. 9th, 2013. Shae, 18. Gretchen, 17. Emily, 26. Anna, 19.
Gretchen
1. I am grateful for my family. The whole big bunch. and of course my husband, Ben.
2. Friends, past and present, they've helped shape who I am
3. My job, though not great right now (stupid pandemic!) is still one of the best jobs I've ever had
4. My car. It is reliable. and that's such amazing peace of mind.
5. My husband's medical insurance. I had the same insurance when I was on my mom's as well, but I didn't appreciate it as much, cause I didn't use it that much. But with my Hysterectomy last year and just with my regular doctors appointments, I've saved thousands and I am not in a terribly large amount of medical debt, which really is something to be grateful for in this country.
14. What is the most negative thought in your brain right now? Discuss how you can eliminate it from your mind.
That I suck? That I'm not good enough? That I'm a lazy piece of garbage? No one really likes me, they're just stuck with me?
My brain is usually not my friend. Between my depression and anxiety disorders, it's kind of just always in the back of my mind. My medication helps a ton. It makes it a whisper in the back of my mind rather than a screaming spectacle, front and center, like it was without it.
I think some people assume that antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication make it so you don't feel anything, but a favorite YouTuber of mine, Anna Akana, explained it very well by saying that it didn't get rid of her depression, "they just kind of raised the floor a bit, so the bottom wasn't so far down."
Anna Akana,
Aug 4th, 2016
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-whc6Mmlug
I think that is a very accurate depiction of how antidepressants work. My lows, aren't so fucking low. I can make a mistake without instantly berating myself internally, and that's nice.
So I will probably never full eliminate it from my mind, but I will keep it quiet through medication and my natural will-power. I don't like to give up. At least not long term. If I need a break, I'll take it. But I will keep coming back.
15. COURAGE: What does this word mean to you? How have you shown courage recently?
Courage is doing something even though it scares you, because it will hopefully bring about something better.
I think I showed courage when I left Right at Home, my previous job, even though I hadn't been there for long, because I knew they were going to end up hurting me if I stayed. They ignored my medical restrictions and never came through with their promises.
I also think I showed courage when, very shortly after starting at my new job, I applied for a promotion. And I ended up getting it. Courage can lead to great things.
16. Write about past fear you were able to overcome. How did you feel before and after the experience?
I think like most people, I have a fear of regret. I have stuck out my neck and collected my courage to make a few different major decisions in my life. I didn't know how they were going to turn out, but so far so good.
17. Pen a thank you letter to your mind and/or body.
I'm gonna do both, cause I'm extra.
To the body and mind of Gretchen C. Collins,
Thank you, mind, for finally being susceptible to medication. We went through a lot of them together over the years, and they may not be perfect yet, but it sure is easier to live with you now.
Thank you, body, for finally responding to one of my attempts at weight loss. I have hated you for years and years. I have dieted and worked out and stressed over you, and now I'm getting some results.
Thank you both, for working together for me to feel better about myself. It's been a long road to here, but I'm glad we're getting somewhere.
Sincerely,
Me
18. Discuss something you want to learn, improve, or change that would make you feel better about yourself. Create an action plan to get this taken care of.
I want to do all three. I want to improve how I learn by changing my approach to college. I want a degree. America has gotten to the point where you can't do much without a college degree or a trade school, and I've tried both. They always make me feel so stupid.
Really though, it's my fault. Working to much, procrastinating, giving up before I've even really tried. I've mentioned in other posts how I plan to do better in school, and I really mean it. This is the fifth time I'm going back to college, and I would really like it to be my last.
19. List 10 things you are thankful for in your life right now. Don’t forget to focus on yourself – qualities, body parts, skills, etc.
Thankful and grateful seem awfully similar. According to smartleadershiphut.com, grateful is outward, like the things listed above, and thankful is more within yourself. Nice, learned something new today. https://smartleadershiphut.com/motivation/grateful-vs-thankful/
1. I'm thankful for my body, and the strength it is building.
2. I'm thankful for my love of reading. Hours of entertainment that some people are so against, or just don't take the time to appreciate enough.
3. I'm thankful for my child-like personality. It makes my job and life more fun
4. I'm thankful for my open-mindedness. I can learn from anyone, I don't care if its one of my little kids or an older coworker, everyone has a unique way of knowing different things, and it can show you a lot
5. I'm thankful for my height. Sometimes I don't like it, but it's useful. People at the store ask me to get stuff from high shelves for them. And I can use it to my advantage, like hiding cupcakes above the top cabinet at school from the kids, or putting the tea I leave at work in the back of the highest cabinet, where it is much harder to steal.
6. I'm thankful for my freedom. Some take it for granted, and I know other people might say we don't have as much freedom as we should. But I have more than I use to have. It took a while to find a balance between the surreal control of my dad's house and the abundant freedom of my mom's. Adulthood brought more freedom, and I choose to do things I should, as well as things I want, where in the past I've focused too much on one or the other.
7. I'm thankful I'm hardworking. I can be lazy, like everyone, but I don't mind a hard days work. I've done dirty jobs. I've had hard days. But I will still show up tomorrow.
8. I'm thankful for my common sense. It's not as common as it should be.
9. I'm thankful for my education. My high school was a good one, and I tried and did well. I've always been able to go to college as well, between scholarships, grants, and paying out of pocket when I needed to.
10. I'm thankful for my drive. If I want to write a blog, I'm gonna write one! Every week til I feel like stopping, no matter how many or few readers I have. If I want to lose weight, I will damn it! This could also just be stubbornness, but whatever you call it, I'm still thankful.
20. Write down your favorite confidence and self-esteem quotes from the internet as a reference page when you need motivation.
I think when it comes to motivation, more is better. So I'll sign off now and you can peruse my quotes at your leisure. Thank you for reading. Any comments are welcome and feel free to share. Times are tough right now, and more positive things like this could be useful to someone. Have a great week. Part three to come.
-Carlos Castenada
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