Well world, these are some trying times. Across America, and across the globe, people are worried. So I thought something positive would be nice. I found a list of thirty self esteem journal prompts. If you like them and feel like doing it too, you can find it here (https://themadmommy.com/journal-prompts-for-self-esteem/). This will be part one of three, because some of these I've got a lot to say about.
1. What is the best compliment you have been given? How did it make you feel?
In the summer time, when it's finally warm enough to wear shorts and dresses, a lot of people compliment my leg tattoos. That's really the only compliments I can think of, right now at least. It does make me feel good though. So many people don't like tattoos or still have this idea that they are super unprofessional. And yes, some tattoos are unprofessional. If you have the F word on your neck for life, you probably won't get hired for top positions in major companies.
Some people act as if that means the person is dumb. They might be, or they might be like any of us who have a dumb moment or thought. They could still go on to start their own company or something, or find someone willing to give them a chance.
But back to me. Obviously I chose my tattoos. I have always loved tattoos, I've had a Pinterest board full of them for years. When someone likes the thoughts, inspiration, and artistry you chose to wear on your body for the rest of your life (potentially), it feels really good. I have only once second guessed a tattoo after it was on me, but otherwise I love them and no ones comment could make me stop loving them, but it's nice to hear when other people like them too.
My first tattoo is a Harry Potter quote with a Deathly Hollows underneath. I know, not necessary the most original idea. But J.K gave us 1,090,738 beautiful words in her masterpiece, and I chose 7 that meant a lot to me. My right calf muscle says, in Harry Potter text, "Anything's possible if you've got enough nerve." It's a quote from Ginny Weasley, which really shows her love and appreciating for Fred and George. Because the quote starts with her saying that living with them is what taught her that lesson. And when I originally noticed that its punctuation is not perfect, I was upset, but now I'm chill with it. It happens. I approved the sketch before it was put on me, so it's my bad.
Image taken from Pinterest.com ^
My second tattoo, I actually designed myself. I thought of it during my senior year, I believe during a more boring SRT (Student Resource Time). I found my friend in the hallway, who has always been an amazing artist. I passed her a note describing my idea, told her I was willing to pay for her to draw it, and a week later she had turned my idea into a reality.
My 3rd tattoo, I got a few months ago. My grandmother died a little after Thanksgiving this year. She fought her cancer hard for 6 long years, which is very impressive considering it was stage four lung. Even more so, since she was originally given six months, so we were glad for all the extra time. My grandfather passed away a few years back, also after a lot of health issues. I love them both so much. Luckily I am a bit of a pack rat, and I still had my graduation card from 2014. So I got their signatures on my front right shoulder.
All of my tattoos where done by Lex Croker, previously at Umbrella Ink in Valparaiso, and now at The Valparaiso Tattoo Collective (https://www.instagram.com/theareabycrow/). He does an amazing job. The heart was drawn by Sierra LaFreniere-Dujmovich.
2. What is a unique talent you have?
I can turn my tongue sideways. Is that unique? My students think it's cool.
3. Write about a time you were recognized for your accomplishments at work or school.
The first time I was recognized for an accomplishment at school, I believe I was in the third grade. It was a terrible and confusing experience. One that in hindsight, the administration at my school really should have been more concerned about.
I was called down to the principle's office. One of the lunch helpers had come to collect me from my class. I kept asking her repeatedly why I had to go to the office. She said she didn't know, she was just told to get me. So we get there, and the principal's assistant tells me I can take a seat. So I'm sitting right by the closed door of my principal, Ms. Cartwright's, actual office. The front office has a half wall so everyone can see into the secretaries and nurse working.
This was 2004, I believe, so I was seven years old. And in my tiny seven year old head, I was thinking of everything I had ever done wrong at school.
Which was nothing.
I don't know why I was so worried. I remember thinking that maybe someone had framed me for something terrible, and how was I going to make them believe I hadn't done whatever it was? So I started crying quietly, it must have been quiet because the secretary didn't notice. I think if she had noticed a young girl quietly weeping in fear, three feet from her desk, she probably would have done something about it.
I had to sit there forever. Or that's what it seemed like. It must have been a while though, because I remember my whole class walking by on their way to the gym for P.E, and they all got a good view of me crying outside the principals office, and they laughed and whispered as they went. So Ms.Cartwright finally opens the door and calls me in, tells me to sit in a chair across from her desk, and I do.
And then I start absolutely bawling, with hiccups, and some hyperventilating. It takes her a few minutes to get me to stop. She's asking me what's wrong. And I try to tell her that obviously I'm in some kind of huge trouble, but of course she doesn't understand me. So she gets me calmed down, and then gives me a thick piece of card stock paper.
I had won an award for a story I had written that my teacher had submitted for me. I also got out of P.E, so that was nice.
Here is my third grade yearbook photo, for you to get a better picture in your head. Also, yes, that haircut is terrible. Yes, that's a turtleneck. And you can't see it in the picture, but that necklace is a GIANT cross. And if I remember correctly, the straps are an overalls dress. I was basically just a tiny nun on her first day at the convent.
4. Name 5 things you did right today, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.
1. I helped a friend in need
2. I loaded the dishwasher
3. I worked on writing
4. I relaxed so I can be a better teacher
5. I reminded my husband that I love him
5. Describe a mistake you made in the last week. How can you prevent the same mistake again?
Thursday, one of my kids was being a little monster. So I wrote an observation about how I had to repeatedly tell him things that he would ignore all day. Then we went outside. We have a long sidewalk out back with a basketball hoop, and like 15 tricycles of different sizes for the kids. So the kids (including the monster) were playing cops and robbers. They were all told before we left the room, and reminded again after headcount, that we had to stay off the grass, because it was wet and slippery. I told this kid three times to stay out of the grass after those two reminders already.
I got him to stop running for a minute, and got down on his level, and told him he needed to stop running in the grass, because he could fall and get hurt, or he could slip, get all wet, and he doesn't have a change of clothes, so he'd be wet all day, and he could end up getting sick. He said okay, then ran off. Less than five minutes later, where is he? IN THE GRASS.
So I told him to sit out for a few minutes. He sat out for maybe two minutes before whining to get up. I told him to stop. He did. I got down on his level again, told him my reasoning again, and let him go back to playing. Where does he go? STRAIGHT TO THE GRASS. I tell him he's done and he sits by me for the rest of recess (Maybe seven minutes).
I wrote all this down, and one of the office ladies came down a couple hours after I wrote the observation. She needed something else, but I mentioned that I was going to have to add a second page to that note. More behaviors. She said that we wouldn't be sending the note home, because having him sit out was disciplining him, and we are a no discipline center. That is was my fault, because if the grass is too wet, I should have had the kids stay inside and get no exercise at all, because our inside playground is closed down because of the virus. So in the future, I'll just keep them all cooped up so they can get crazier. Cause I control the weather.
Also, sidebar, I was not lead teacher that day. I should have been, but the girl who used to be me at the center is still part time, and her regular job is closed. So she's full-time with us right now, and is super overstepping, despite any attempts I have made to take back over. She's also beloved, so I haven't told the office about it yet. She decided to take them outside, not me. I was just actually watching them, instead of chatting with her friend who is also 'helping' in my room, because her university is closed.
I really just need to learn to stand up for myself better.
6. Discuss 3 reasons why you deserve to be loved.
Damn. Uh, I've never thought about that before.
1. I try to be a good person, and anyone who is actively trying to be good or better, deserves love.
2. I'm a good friend. I only have one really, but it's not for lack of trying. I give a lot in relationships, and sometimes people either don't like that, or I stop talking to them because I get very little in return.
3. I deserve love because I care. Sometimes I care too much. I saw a Facebook photo shared to my feed, and it was a flyer for a man's small business, and he had said above it that he was really worried about paying his rent next month. And that got me. And then at the bottom, it was his granddaughter who had shared it. So he's someone's grandpa. And I don't have a grandpa. But if I did, I'd want to help. And I do want to help him, but neither Ben nor I can eat any of his food. But I cried about it for a solid 10-15 minutes, because I feel for him.
7. Think about a time when you regretted your decision. Write out how you felt and create a written apology for yourself.
I left my first home forever when I was 16. I regret not leaving sooner. Enough people knew how I was being treated, my mom could not help me at the time without being blamed and potentially getting in trouble, and different people helped me along the way. But nothing drastic was done, and that was what was needed to finally get real change.
So I did it. I did the drastic thing of refusing to go with my dad and his terrible wife. I spoke clearly and firmly even though I was petrified. I turned around from their open car window, and walking into our house, ignoring their shouts and threats.
Dear Gretchen,
It's okay that it took you a few years to stand up to your dad. He is a bully. And one of the terrible things about a bully is that they are very hard to avoid. They go to school with you or where ever. They can be online. But usually, no matter what, they can't be avoided without a lot of effort. Figuring out how to block them, having to tell other people about what has been going on so they can help, and the eventual event where you will have to stand alone.
You did an amazing job once the right time came. You were strong and brave and amazing. If you had done it earlier, your life could have lead down a hundred different roads, but the one you're on right now is pretty great. Remember that when things get dark.
Love you,
Gretchen
8. CONFIDENCE: Write what this word means to you. How can you improve your confidence?
Confidence is strength. Confidence is intelligence. Confidence is faith in yourself.
9. Create a list of goals you plan to accomplish in the next year. Choose your three priority goals that you plan to focus on most.
I talk about my goals an awful lot. If you have ever read my blog before you know them. Obviously I'm prioritizing writing, I've been doing pretty good with getting at least one of these posted about every week and a half, two weeks. Not my original goal, but whatever. I will be prioritizing school, once it's in session. If it ever opens again this year. Things are bleak. And third is getting into a good spot financially.
10. Devise a plan for each of your three priority goals. How do you plan to make the dreams a reality?
Once again, you all should know my plans for these goals. Keep on writing. Keep school in mind. Save money.
That is the end of part one. Two and three will be coming in the following weeks. Feel free to read the original list I'm using by clicking the link above, and see how you feel about some of the questions. Thank you for reading, any thoughts or comments please leave them below.
Stay well everyone. Help others however you can.
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